A pair of jeans are simply made out of denim, is denim going to make you feel inferior, make you question yourself?

Changing room,
Tight,
Claustrophobic,
Huuuuge mirror,
Bright lights,
Don’t look.
Put on your first item on clothing, don’t like it take it off,
leave the changing room, confidence knocked by about 40%,
time to go home.
Lets work out eat clean for about a week.
Get a taste of something sweet,
Sure I don’t have anything coming up soon
I can binge for three days maybe four, ok a week
That won’t make much of a difference, will it?
If I throw it all back up I’ll be fine
It’s only a week I can’t become ‘fat’ in a week
those calories will be easy to burn off.
I’ll start my lifestyle change tomorrow or next Monday.
Ok,
Go to the shop,
Spend fifteen euro on sweets,

go home hide them under the bed
Wait until your parents are out,
eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s maybe two.

Hide the empty container somewhere mam will never find it.
Begin to become sad more often,
wondering why you have more spots
why your jeans feel tighter.
Stay in the house for a week
Hate contact
Won’t put anything on social media in case people find out you have become fat and ugly.

All of this started with a pair of jeans, fabric, denim, an item of clothing. Something that’s meant to empower me has sent me into this spiral of despair, how can I pull myself out of it? Do I talk to someone or do I deal with it myself. Do I let it bring me down or do I use it to inspire others. Do I question what people are going to think when I put this on the internet or do I just do it anyway and know that I have told the truth? These are questions which I repeatedly asked myself over and over again.

This week I watched three films starring Julia Roberts and I fell in love with them all. Notting hill was always my all-time favourite movie, ‘ I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her’. Next up was Pretty Woman, a movie I had never seen before but quickly became a close runner up behind Nothing Hill. Finally, to finish off the trio I watched ‘My Best Friends’ Wedding’ which tied for second undoubtedly. This movie however caused me to cry, seeing the relationship which Julia aka Julianne Potter had with both Michael and George resulted in me welling up, I’m not going to lie. I then thought to myself, I wished I had a man in my life who was so totally obsessed with me and wanted to protect me just like Julia and Michael. This I didn’t have.

Was it because of how I looked or how I dressed. Is because I’m not the skinniest girl they know. Is it because I’m not constantly the centre of attention, cracking jokes and having my voice heard above everyone else even if they didn’t ask. Or is it because I’m quiet and shy, someone who at this point in her life should be out partying every night but instead sits in with a cup of tea writing this blog post. Is it because I’m not cool. Is it because there are some many other girls prettier than me for them to choose? Why is it.

Part of me wishes I was that girl who loved to go out every night and part of me is that girl. But with the level of self-esteem and self-loathing and hate which I have for my body and who I am right now that’s just not possible. I can’t go out and let people see me in my vulnerable state. I can’t let them see me, this, this is not Tara, trust me, THIS IS NOT TARA. Yep that’s what I’m telling myself as I sit her trying very hard to convince myself to work out.

The funny thing is that I actually really enjoy working out. I enjoy feeling good about myself so why is it now in this moment and over the last two or three weeks, wait in fact, over the last two or three years I refuse to let myself feel happy and confident In my own skin?

This blog post was meant to be about jeans.
But look what it has become.
I have literally just told the whole internet about my problem.
BUT I feel so liberated.
(I kind of feel like I want to sh*t myself because if any of my friends see this and find out this about me I don’t know what I’ll do or say)
I don’t know why I’m scared of what they’ll say or think, it’s something that so many people suffer from.
All I’m doing is telling the truth.
Even if no one reads this, here’s my truth.
Here is what I have been suffering with for the past three years.
Here is what I have been suffering with through extremely important parts of my life. Restricting food, hunger, pain, how could I put myself and my body through this. Throughout my leaving cert year this progressed,  I had bulimia.(Leaving cert= A levels, GCSE’s, Le bac, Selectividad, SAT’s). That’s probably the first time I’ve said that out loud, I suffer from an eating disorder.
I still did my leaving cert without anyone ever finding out about my pain and I got through the exams.
I’m still not fully through it but getting this off my chest, I cannot start to explain how that makes me feel.
I feel motivated to move forward with my health, my education, my passions, MY LIFE.
I dream to spend my life telling young girls I can help you through this. Raw Women can be an outlet, a place to go to know you’re not alone regardless of skin colour, religion, body shape, sexuality, ethnicity YOU’RE A WOMAN AND AS WOMEN WE ARE GOING TO EMPOWER AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER.
I’m sick of caring what people think, I’m sick of worrying how people are going to react to what I’m saying.

INSPIRE.

That’s all I want to do, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I’m only 18 but my youth does not protect me from emotion. Our youth doesn’t mean we suffer any less.
Girls and women alike I want you to stand with me in this Raw Women movement, lets unite to change the heart of the world.
It has taken me three years to fully understand my true feelings toward this particular topic and now I’ve found my strength to change our ideas of perfection.
In times where I felt weak, broken, isolated, when I felt as though no else has ever experienced this pain, I never had a moment of realisation that I am not alone. I have now found the strength to carry on to fight this problem.
To stand up for those who are weak, to inspire them to find their voice, to express what they believe in and to gift the world with the message they want to send.
It’s not about how you look or how you dress it’s about what you believe in and we have to learn how to believe in ourselves, in our voice and in our beliefs.
Lets stop waiting on the world to change itself and lets be the reason for that change. For the generations who come up behind us, for our children and for their children, building a foundation where perfection is not the pinnacle for all women and educating them to stand up and fight for what they believe in is the greatest education they will ever receive.
Never shy away from something because you’re scared of what people think. That’s something I used to do but I’ve learned, I have to start believing that I was put in this world to make a change and that is what I’m going to do. THAT IS WHAT WE AS WOMEN AND MEN ARE GOING TO DO. Believe in yourself because if you don’t we lose a voice and in today’s society we need every single voice to speak up for what is right and to combat all that is wrong in our world .

EMBRACE, EMPOWER, ENCOURAGE THE RAWNESS OF WOMEN